Well a couple weeks ago my father had ... i think its a fifth heart attack... i dont know anymore because there have been so many and he isnt apart of my life anymore... none of my family is except my grandparents. well he was life flighted and had two surgeries already. It doesnt matter to me how they hurt me or even how much, all i know is that the Lord asked me to take them from my life for my own personal growth, because they were not helping me grow they were destroying me as they always have. I have been holding all this inside for months now and honestly i tried to numb myself by accident and now that i see pictures of them... i have completely broken :'( my religion teaches that everything is surrounded by family and the gospel is family oriented and honestly.... i dont fit in with my husbands family... i dont really fit anywhere... over the years i created my own puzzle and invited others in but no one ever really wants to be a part of it because i am so different... i came from my families world and i know i will never fit in the world that my husband does and i shouldnt have to.
I miss painting my nails with my sister stephanie and doing her makeup... i miss my sister michelle and being able to talk to her and i miss my nephew. honestly all the time i spent with my family was a lie, they lied to my face and hurt me everytime but i miss them because i love them... i miss loving them even when they didnt love me back. 
there is a quote from the book "The Great Gatsby" and its what Mrs. Buchanan says: 

                 "I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

Honestly, i wish i was a fool so i didnt have to see how they hurt me and how unhealthy they are for me, i wish i was a fool so i could love them up close instead of so far away. it hurts to know they do not love me as much as i love them. 
i just want to let go of them but i dont know how and it seems so impossible.... the lord never wanted to make letting go of our families, easy, because they are supposed to be one unit, unbreakable and stronger then steal... but truth is thats not how they are these days.... most are as brittle as a cracker. this is just another trial in my life and i am fine to over come it... but it just hurts and all i feel i can do is to cry.
Make your family stronger then steal with the Lord as the center and never let one another hurt each other so much that the Lord will inspire one to love you from a distance instead of up close because you harm their growth... not matter if its spiritually, mentally or physically.... be the ones to lift and strengthen the one on their knees and unable to get up. dont be the reason they are on their knees in the first place.