No More Hidding

I am different in many ways and not many people know those rare differences... but my husband knows most of them... except he and no one else knew one that i had hid so successfully... I myself refused to acknowledge the truth. As a child I had been called an abomination by a active Catholic. After that one experience, I shut the world out from knowing everything that made me unique. I tried to hide those special and unique qualities even from myself, trying to make them non-existent because I had been told that I was a disappointment in the eyes of my Heavenly Father because of them. Many of the gifts took me years to realize, I wasn't an abomination, but chosen by my loving Heavenly Father to carry these gifts with me for the rest of my mortal life.
I was about 12 or 13 years old when I first came to the realization that I am gay or homosexual. Now, yes I had a girlfriend and kissed a girl once, but nothing further happened, I never believed in sex before marriage even before I was baptized in the LDS church. Not too long after I developed this theory, my sister began advertising my fault to the whole Utah junior high. I lost friends and was yet again called a sinner and abomination and coward into a corner in my mind. A few months passed and my girlfriend broke up with me through my sister which brought me to the conclusion that women were to complicated and I got along better with men as friends. I ended up in a different school in the Salt lake valley and tried to lock my faults away. I pretended to think men were attractive and it would work until I said I liked a boy out loud, then feelings would disipate and I would feel horrible again.
Then I moved back to my birthtown when I was starting my 8th grade year. My younger sister and I were bullied pretty frequently for stupid little things like our flawless skin and jackets we would wear. A month went by and my sister decided to cash in her ticket into favortism with the bullies by spreading rumors that I was lesbian and had kissed a girl. The bullying got worse for me and life got easier for her. I was taunted by everyone and scoffed at because I was different, because I couldnt get myself to like men! I felt alien and unnatural. I pulled into myself and thenmy conversion story began.
February 7, 2009, I was baptised into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No one knew that I was homosexual and they just didnt listen to the cruel rummors. I made myself a promise that I would hide that harsh truth about me because I was clean and would live faithfully.
Yes, i had my down falls with my husband and his family for a while but through tons of effort, we were married in the St. George Temple on saturday, August 24, 2013. My marriage to him is the best memory I have and I would not change it for the world. I may not be physically attracted to my husband but I love him more then the world and one day we will have children.
I had told my husband of all my struggles, even my homosexuality in middle school. I never told him that I still struggled with it. I fell in love with my husband through friendship, not attraction. When I first saw him, I knew he was the one for me because of a feeling I received from the holy ghost. No one knew that thing i still struggled with, not even my best friend and husband.
Yesterday, my bishop and father in-law gave a talk for the adults of our ward. He spoke about homosexuals and boundaries and truths. I had always thought that I would grow out of that phase, but i didnt. Now, my Father in law was standing in front of me, reading a message from the presidency of the church. God made homosexuals, that is those peoples trials. Being homosexual doesnt make you unworthy to the Lord but acting on those urges you feel, do. I realized for the first time in my life, that the Lord had given me these burdens and they were ok as long as I remained worthy by abstaining from acting on the urges. I realized, that I was not an abomination and that my Heavenly Father was not disappointed in me because of the feelings inside me, he loves me and did this to make me better.
Knowing all these things finally, I made a very huge and scary choice. I was coming out of the closet, I needed to. That secret I held in so many years had been tearing me apart and i had to let it out. So, I told my husband and then I posted it on facebook and I came to the conclusion after all the comments. There will always be more people scoffing then loving you in any church or really anywhere... but you have the choice to let something tear you apart or you can have the strength to let it out and sift out the people who really dont care about you.
I am  a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I am a homosexual and I have a temple recommend.
Storms will always rage, but eventually they pass and reveal a beautiful rainbow.

Well a couple weeks ago my father had ... i think its a fifth heart attack... i dont know anymore because there have been so many and he isnt apart of my life anymore... none of my family is except my grandparents. well he was life flighted and had two surgeries already. It doesnt matter to me how they hurt me or even how much, all i know is that the Lord asked me to take them from my life for my own personal growth, because they were not helping me grow they were destroying me as they always have. I have been holding all this inside for months now and honestly i tried to numb myself by accident and now that i see pictures of them... i have completely broken :'( my religion teaches that everything is surrounded by family and the gospel is family oriented and honestly.... i dont fit in with my husbands family... i dont really fit anywhere... over the years i created my own puzzle and invited others in but no one ever really wants to be a part of it because i am so different... i came from my families world and i know i will never fit in the world that my husband does and i shouldnt have to.
I miss painting my nails with my sister stephanie and doing her makeup... i miss my sister michelle and being able to talk to her and i miss my nephew. honestly all the time i spent with my family was a lie, they lied to my face and hurt me everytime but i miss them because i love them... i miss loving them even when they didnt love me back. 
there is a quote from the book "The Great Gatsby" and its what Mrs. Buchanan says: 

                 "I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

Honestly, i wish i was a fool so i didnt have to see how they hurt me and how unhealthy they are for me, i wish i was a fool so i could love them up close instead of so far away. it hurts to know they do not love me as much as i love them. 
i just want to let go of them but i dont know how and it seems so impossible.... the lord never wanted to make letting go of our families, easy, because they are supposed to be one unit, unbreakable and stronger then steal... but truth is thats not how they are these days.... most are as brittle as a cracker. this is just another trial in my life and i am fine to over come it... but it just hurts and all i feel i can do is to cry.
Make your family stronger then steal with the Lord as the center and never let one another hurt each other so much that the Lord will inspire one to love you from a distance instead of up close because you harm their growth... not matter if its spiritually, mentally or physically.... be the ones to lift and strengthen the one on their knees and unable to get up. dont be the reason they are on their knees in the first place.
                                     

http://youtu.be/SXjXKT98esw

Hi again! Well this song is amazing and honestly made me cry.... I think we have all experienced something that made us want Superman to come save us... whether it was losing someone or something that meant the world to us or maybe you've been bullied... whatever it is, we can all relate to this song and whether it brings tears to your eyes or not, it will touch your heart and maybe even your soul. As a fellow musician, its amazing as well. I love the tough sound in his voice that's so confident that it almost feels like in this song he is trying to push the message to you to not just stand around and film a man jumping out of a building, to not just walk by the alley that you see someone being bullied, don't just stand by and watch something horrible happen right before you.... be the one to save a life because Kryptonite doesn't have to harm us just to conclude that we can save someone. We may be humans and imperfect but we still have the power to help carry the world for someone else to make their burden a little easier to bare.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to save the world... I believed in the world so much that when it came to my decision of life or death, I chose life. I chose to be that rare power in the world that was willing to give up a paradise just to try a save as many as I could, all animals (that includes humans). I believed in my Heavenly Father my whole life and even after my experience with my choice... I still denied my belief till I was 14 years old when i walked in a LDS chapel and felt my Fathers arms wrap around me like a warm blanket and calm my fears and hurt... I knew I didn't have the strength to keep denying because all the strength in my life had come from him. Besides if I hadn't chose life or to be baptized in the Lords church I never would have made it this far today... married to a man that makes me laugh and takes my hands and helps me to my knees and encourages me to pray when i feel like my life has become so dark I cant even see the candle of light I am holding.... I wouldn't be here today with a smile and being able to enjoy the blessings of life.
We have all had our moments of falling to the ground and trying to find our way and strength to get back up, but now I have a question... when was the last you prayed, if ever? If its been a while I encourage you to get on your knees, it doesn't matter what you do with your hands or arms or how you talks or start or finish the prayer because honestly.... Heavenly Father will just be glad you have turned to him and let him in because he loves us and he wants for nothing more then our happiness. Believe it or not, learning brings happiness and so does the truth and through him, we can have it all.

Well, I have to say, this is not something I would normally consider doing; but, here goes. Yes, the title to my blog seems a little strange, but if you have ever heard the song Man in the Mirror by Micheal Jackson, I think you'll get it, but if you haven' heard it, I encourage you to go listen to it. I always tell my husband that that is the theme song to my life, because it inspires me in more ways then I would have ever thought possible.
Guess I will just dive right in and hope not to hit my head. I am nineteen years old and have been married the last six and a half months, so, I am still struggling to deal with a room mate that is male. I love to write and do art. Ok! This is all pretty typical stuff and I don't like to be boring.... so, here is the catch to me! I love scifi which includes star wars and star trek so yes I am a nerd and proud of it. I am really friendly but when I am angry or passionate it is best to steer clear about 100 miles and wait till you don't see anymore smoke, just ask my husband or anyone that gets in my way. You should also probably know that I have been known to spit fire.... I don't like bullying! I don't like any sort of discrimination! I don't like anything negative, but yes I do deal with depression. 
So, lets see.... so far we have covered my age, I'm married... not divorced :), I adore art of any form... except that artists work with fesses YUCK, I am a huge scifi nerd lol like my hubby, I am really friendly unless you step on the wrong stones then you will be burned and I don't like negativity because I am mentally challenged in the art of perkiness.
YUP! That sums it up.... time to lay me to rest. Goodnight.