I am different in many ways and not many people know those rare differences... but my husband knows most of them... except he and no one else knew one that i had hid so successfully... I myself refused to acknowledge the truth. As a child I had been called an abomination by a active Catholic. After that one experience, I shut the world out from knowing everything that made me unique. I tried to hide those special and unique qualities even from myself, trying to make them non-existent because I had been told that I was a disappointment in the eyes of my Heavenly Father because of them. Many of the gifts took me years to realize, I wasn't an abomination, but chosen by my loving Heavenly Father to carry these gifts with me for the rest of my mortal life.
I was about 12 or 13 years old when I first came to the realization that I am gay or homosexual. Now, yes I had a girlfriend and kissed a girl once, but nothing further happened, I never believed in sex before marriage even before I was baptized in the LDS church. Not too long after I developed this theory, my sister began advertising my fault to the whole Utah junior high. I lost friends and was yet again called a sinner and abomination and coward into a corner in my mind. A few months passed and my girlfriend broke up with me through my sister which brought me to the conclusion that women were to complicated and I got along better with men as friends. I ended up in a different school in the Salt lake valley and tried to lock my faults away. I pretended to think men were attractive and it would work until I said I liked a boy out loud, then feelings would disipate and I would feel horrible again.
Then I moved back to my birthtown when I was starting my 8th grade year. My younger sister and I were bullied pretty frequently for stupid little things like our flawless skin and jackets we would wear. A month went by and my sister decided to cash in her ticket into favortism with the bullies by spreading rumors that I was lesbian and had kissed a girl. The bullying got worse for me and life got easier for her. I was taunted by everyone and scoffed at because I was different, because I couldnt get myself to like men! I felt alien and unnatural. I pulled into myself and thenmy conversion story began.
February 7, 2009, I was baptised into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No one knew that I was homosexual and they just didnt listen to the cruel rummors. I made myself a promise that I would hide that harsh truth about me because I was clean and would live faithfully.
Yes, i had my down falls with my husband and his family for a while but through tons of effort, we were married in the St. George Temple on saturday, August 24, 2013. My marriage to him is the best memory I have and I would not change it for the world. I may not be physically attracted to my husband but I love him more then the world and one day we will have children.
I had told my husband of all my struggles, even my homosexuality in middle school. I never told him that I still struggled with it. I fell in love with my husband through friendship, not attraction. When I first saw him, I knew he was the one for me because of a feeling I received from the holy ghost. No one knew that thing i still struggled with, not even my best friend and husband.
Yesterday, my bishop and father in-law gave a talk for the adults of our ward. He spoke about homosexuals and boundaries and truths. I had always thought that I would grow out of that phase, but i didnt. Now, my Father in law was standing in front of me, reading a message from the presidency of the church. God made homosexuals, that is those peoples trials. Being homosexual doesnt make you unworthy to the Lord but acting on those urges you feel, do. I realized for the first time in my life, that the Lord had given me these burdens and they were ok as long as I remained worthy by abstaining from acting on the urges. I realized, that I was not an abomination and that my Heavenly Father was not disappointed in me because of the feelings inside me, he loves me and did this to make me better.
Knowing all these things finally, I made a very huge and scary choice. I was coming out of the closet, I needed to. That secret I held in so many years had been tearing me apart and i had to let it out. So, I told my husband and then I posted it on facebook and I came to the conclusion after all the comments. There will always be more people scoffing then loving you in any church or really anywhere... but you have the choice to let something tear you apart or you can have the strength to let it out and sift out the people who really dont care about you.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I am a homosexual and I have a temple recommend.
Storms will always rage, but eventually they pass and reveal a beautiful rainbow.
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